Saturday, May 1, 2010

well, here we go again...

somehow i always manage to seriously trick myself into thinking good things happen and have the potential of sticking around.

good try, Kate. Admirable, really.

Friday, April 2, 2010

My life is an experiment in FAILURE.

Proof i am the clumsiest, most unlucky, retarded woman in the history of mankind. This is only a small glimpse too. My knee, thigh, and ankle are bruised even worse. I FAIL AT LIFE!

Today my lovely sister and i went for a bike ride.
It was extremely crowded because of the unusually nice Ohio weather.
The path we bike on is by a small river and there were turtles sunbathing on stray branches in the water.
I decided to let my inner 5 year old out and started singing (no lie):


we were both laughing
and then come up to a large bridge where most people stop and look at the turtles swimming in the stilled water.
we're going at a hefty pace and there are maybe 15+ people standing around.
I start singing again
and then look down at the water and THINK i see a turtle
so i get excited
and the next thing i know
I smash into the side rail
hit the bike roughly against the side
loose control
am thrown from the bike
hit the hard wooden planks
roll once
and ram into the other side of the rail
all in 2.5 seconds.

I get up instantly in embarrassment
and pick up my bike while my sister turns back around to help.
I wiped out and ate fucking cement
and every single person on the bridge saw.

No way i could hide this one.

I completely wrecked the bike
which happened to be my dad's
( yeah, he's pissed)
and now the entire left side of my body
is black and blue.


Seriously, i thought i'd grow out of this whole clumsy thing
about 20 years ago.
I need camera crews-
so i can at least bank off the fact my life is an experiment in failure.
Ugh, my body hurts.
i need to stop being such a clumsy idiot.
this is getting ridiculous.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

[good] bye.

Baby, the truth of it all was you just didn't deserve me.

Monday, March 29, 2010

leave. please just leave.

it's an unsettling feeling to have
when i want you to forget i ever existed
in your life
and you in mine
yet i'm constantly having to remind myself
it was real.

it feels so much like a daydream
a very long
very hurtful
very consuming daydream
that i still cannot wake up from.

why is pain rooted so deeply?

Friday, March 5, 2010

The villain or the hero?

sometimes i need help remembering why i love something.
that seems kind of crazy
but i doubt myself and deny why i'm drawn to certain things in life.

i have this battle going on inside of me right now
where i drift in and out of remembering.
Reality is what you call it, i guess.
And I want to live in this dream more than i want to face reality.
I can't choose.
Deep down, I know i'm meant for it.
I've always felt it... even though i spend the better portion of my days convincing myself i'm not.
I don't exactly know what is keeping me away.
Fear, maybe?
And i use fear as a tactic to build on excuses why I'm still in Ohio...
still holding onto a degree i like to refer to as a "hobby" whenever provoked.
I have literally poked fun at myself without even knowing if it was necessary.
It's like this fucked up defense mechanism
that i've perfected to the point where it's so believable i can fool everyone around me-
and myself.

I don't know where to begin though.
I look around and all i see are options but for some reason i can't move.
I'm waiting for something to happen
but i'm so sensitive that even the thought of something bad or good scares me to death.

I don't know where i am...

Monday, March 1, 2010

I do what i have to do.

I have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go.

Monday, February 22, 2010

coffee is the devil.

i can't sleep because of the ridiculous amount of coffee i consumed today.
(damn you, Circle K!)
so i'm going to just type out my thoughts instead.

It takes me a really long time to get over certain circumstances.
i have this thing about over-analyzing everything...
and it gets me in a heap of trouble.
I feel like i'm constantly over-explaining myself.
Instead of just being humble enough to SHOW who i am IN TIME
i have to shove it down everyone's throat
until they choke and run away at a very hefty pace.
This sucks.
a lot.
Plus, it takes so much for me to actually start to trust someone
and usually by the time i make the decision to maybe give it a try
that person already has one foot out the door.
It's very frustrating.

i am so painfully difficult.

i must be the biggest headache to some people.
or was the biggest headache, i should say.
I'm just seriously tired of people bailing on me.
Waiting until i finally knock down all my stupid defenses
like sarcasm and cynicism and giving black eyes,
and then the second i make the decision to stop "pulling a Kate",
quit the tough girl act,
ditch the stubborn attitude
and open up by saying everything all at once because i cannot for the life of me filter my thoughts
they fucking sprint clear in the opposite direction.

i don't get it.
i don't really want to.
it just seriously confuses me to no end.
i will never figure out why i make people run away
time and time and time again.
no matter how much i think i finally got it right,
and found someone who isn't gonna let me down
even when they relentlessly reassure me they won't
they do.

every. single. time.

(and no i'm not exaggerating for pity points. truth.)

it's tiring.
i am tired of opening up
and having the door slammed right back in my face.
i will cut a bitch, i swear.
that is false i won't.
i will continue to ponder my existence on this stupid blog
until someone real is stupid enough to actually listen to me whine.

okay i'm done.
never drinking coffee again....

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Always trying what you can... be a child and not a man.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

getting there.

I'm not always sure
of the woman i am.
But i am sure
of the woman i want to be.

And i hope,
one day those will collide.

I'm not always sure
of the man i want.
But i am sure
of the man i know he'll be.

And i hope,
one day we will collide.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

~ Love and respect women. Look to her not only for comfort, but for strength and inspiration and the doubling of your intellectual and moral powers. Blot out from your mind any idea of superiority; you have none. ~

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Saturday, January 23, 2010


today i was looking at pictures of when i broke my heel.
when i was on crutches
and in that horrible spaceboot of a cast.
so much pain.
not just because of my broken bone...
it was just the most painful time of my entire life.

its hard for me to look at those photos.
all i remember is lying in bed and never, ever wanting to get up.
everything hurt.

i remember the first time i tried to walk after getting it cleared that i could actually try. I was standing at the entrance of my kitchen holding myself up by the counter... and i put my weak foot down on the cold floor...then i put the tiniest bit of pressure on it to attempt to walk... and the pain was so unbearable i thought my foot was going to break off into a million pieces right then and there. It was the first and only time in my life where i thought, " This is never, ever going to get any better." And then i cried.

Eventually i did overcome it
and now i can run again without much problem.
but the pain of that time in my life
is still so fragile
and fresh in my mind.

I feel like i'm still walking on paper-thin ice as it begins to crack all around me every time i take even one step forward.

sometimes i think...maybe i should just run.