i can't sleep because of the ridiculous amount of coffee i consumed today. (damn you, Circle K!) so i'm going to just type out my thoughts instead.
It takes me a really long time to get over certain circumstances. i have this thing about over-analyzing everything... and it gets me in a heap of trouble. I feel like i'm constantly over-explaining myself. Instead of just being humble enough to SHOW who i am IN TIME i have to shove it down everyone's throat until they choke and run away at a very hefty pace. This sucks. a lot. Plus, it takes so much for me to actually start to trust someone and usually by the time i make the decision to maybe give it a try that person already has one foot out the door. It's very frustrating.
i am so painfully difficult.
i must be the biggest headache to some people. or was the biggest headache, i should say. I'm just seriously tired of people bailing on me. Waiting until i finally knock down all my stupid defenses like sarcasm and cynicism and giving black eyes, and then the second i make the decision to stop "pulling a Kate", quit the tough girl act, ditch the stubborn attitude and open up by saying everything all at once because i cannot for the life of me filter my thoughts they fucking sprint clear in the opposite direction.
i don't get it. i don't really want to. it just seriously confuses me to no end. i will never figure out why i make people run away time and time and time again. no matter how much i think i finally got it right, and found someone who isn't gonna let me down even when they relentlessly reassure me they won't they do.
every. single. time.
(and no i'm not exaggerating for pity points. truth.)
ugh. it's tiring. i am tired of opening up and having the door slammed right back in my face. i will cut a bitch, i swear. no... that is false i won't. i will continue to ponder my existence on this stupid blog until someone real is stupid enough to actually listen to me whine.
~ Love and respect women. Look to her not only for comfort, but for strength and inspiration and the doubling of your intellectual and moral powers. Blot out from your mind any idea of superiority; you have none. ~
today i was looking at pictures of when i broke my heel.
when i was on crutches
and in that horrible spaceboot of a cast.
so much pain.
not just because of my broken bone...
it was just the most painful time of my entire life.
its hard for me to look at those photos.
all i remember is lying in bed and never, ever wanting to get up.
i remember the first time i tried to walk after getting it cleared that i could actually try. I was standing at the entrance of my kitchen holding myself up by the counter... and i put my weak foot down on the cold floor...then i put the tiniest bit of pressure on it to attempt to walk... and the pain was so unbearable i thought my foot was going to break off into a million pieces right then and there. It was the first and only time in my life where i thought, " This is never, ever going to get any better." And then i cried.
Eventually i did overcome it
and now i can run again without much problem.
but the pain of that time in my life
is still so fragile
and fresh in my mind.
I feel like i'm still walking on paper-thin ice as it begins to crack all around me every time i take even one step forward.