coffee is the devil.

i can't sleep because of the ridiculous amount of coffee i consumed today.
(damn you, Circle K!)
so i'm going to just type out my thoughts instead.


It takes me a really long time to get over certain circumstances.
i have this thing about over-analyzing everything...
and it gets me in a heap of trouble.
I feel like i'm constantly over-explaining myself.
Instead of just being humble enough to SHOW who i am IN TIME
i have to shove it down everyone's throat
until they choke and run away at a very hefty pace.
This sucks.
a lot.
Plus, it takes so much for me to actually start to trust someone
and usually by the time i make the decision to maybe give it a try
that person already has one foot out the door.
It's very frustrating.

i am so painfully difficult.


i must be the biggest headache to some people.
or was the biggest headache, i should say.
I'm just seriously tired of people bailing on me.
Waiting until i finally knock down all my stupid defenses
like sarcasm and cynicism and giving black eyes,
and then the second i make the decision to stop "pulling a Kate",
quit the tough girl act,
ditch the stubborn attitude
and open up by saying everything all at once because i cannot for the life of me filter my thoughts
they fucking sprint clear in the opposite direction.

i don't get it.
i don't really want to.
it just seriously confuses me to no end.
i will never figure out why i make people run away
time and time and time again.
no matter how much i think i finally got it right,
and found someone who isn't gonna let me down
even when they relentlessly reassure me they won't
they do.

every. single. time.

(and no i'm not exaggerating for pity points. truth.)


ugh.
it's tiring.
i am tired of opening up
and having the door slammed right back in my face.
i will cut a bitch, i swear.
no...
that is false i won't.
i will continue to ponder my existence on this stupid blog
until someone real is stupid enough to actually listen to me whine.



okay i'm done.
never drinking coffee again....