god, it looks so beautiful. this light is perfect, pure... it is pure. i'm so lucky this is the first thing i woke up to. i can't remember the last time i woke up to rain like this. it's not threatening at all but cleansing.
no... i do remember this. i've watched this before. but where? think. come on, you know this........
the woods....you were alone in the woods. searching for something... someone. you were so far out, more than you were use to going... but it didn't matter. it was there. it was waiting for you to find it. you tripped so many times, searching in the trees, in each branch, each leaf... it had to be there. every twig and stump and color was a sign, was a puzzle... but you just couldn't see the picture clearly. you had to find it... find it quickly, find it and hold on tight. seeking and hurrying, no time to stop, to retrace your steps, to realize how far out you'd really gone, to breathe. until finally,
it stopped.
and everything became quiet. nothing opened up and everything turned into the same exact color. everything blended. you blended and for the first time, you noticed how incredibly small you were compared to everything else around you. the tears built up like an army and began to flood everything in sight. no point in looking anymore. you knelt down, unaware of the deep moss that would stain your clothes later, to the familiar place of hugging your face in your knees and rocking back and forth. it was gone. it's scent was so strong and you were right on it's heels but you couldn't keep up.
you let yourself go. let it out. let it all out. no one was there to see, to chide, to throw it back in your face. you were alone - undeniably alone. a place you often sought after but could never handle without struggle.
and then, the rain came.
slow at first, single droplets on your shoulders, as if nudging you to uncover. and you did. watching it on your legs, then in your palms, then finally, on everything else. and they all started to come back to life, to separate into objects, into colors, into beauty. you couldn't divide which originated from you and which were dropping from the sky. but it felt good. you felt connected... "it" was crying too and wasn't ashamed to share. and when you got up to find your way back home, completely drenched in rain and dirt, you knew that it was okay you lost track of it today... because it was out there. waiting. waiting to be found. waiting to find you. and even when you lost it after searching for it for so long and getting so close... the rain would come and clean it away. make it new. bring back the color and the life. remind you that even nature can't always be strong on its own. and that... that was enough for you to come back one day....
and search for things you were finally meant to find.
(an entry from my journal, July 2009.)
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