Sunday, September 27, 2009

Forward on.

"Telling the future by looking at the past
assumes that conditions remain constant.
This is like driving a car by looking in the rearview mirror."

I'm not sure
how i can feel so happy about something
and yet
so incredibly, overwhelmingly, painfully scared
that it is just going to walk out the door
the minute i'm not looking.

i have a problem.
i can admit it.
hello, my name is Kate and i have a problem.
anytime something good happens to me
i'm scared to death it is going to abandon me.
i'm going to love it
and then it is going to run clear in the opposite direction.

that sounds childish.
and it is.
but i can't help shake the feeling.
I've already experienced it before
more times than my heart can admit at the moment
and it crushed me to pieces.

i don't want to hold back or miss out
because of this stupid childhood fear
but i can already feel myself being hesitant.
Despite the fact i'm becoming more attached all of them...
and that frightens me.

I can't allow myself to back out or run away like i always do.
it is different this time.
i don't want to run away.
at all.
i can't let things that went wrong in the past
dictate what is going to happen in the future.
i don't know what is going to happen
and i can try and shelter myself
so that i don't get severely hurt like before
but how is that really learning from my mistakes?

you guessed it,
it isn't.
its time i stopped looking back
and start looking right in front of me.

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