Monday, August 25, 2008

always a bridesmaid, never a bride?

i just found out
3 of my friends from growing up are engaged.
They're all 21 and under.
A girl i was friends with in high school got married last weekend
and another girl i was friends with is expecting a baby in the winter.

i mean, of course i'm happy for them.
i have no reason not to be
but i just turn 21 yesterday
and i feel like getting engaged or having a baby is light years away.

My sister, Kira has been engaged for like.. 3 years now and is talking about kids.
My parents were married when they were 23.
I don't know.
I mean... that could have been me.
TJ told me if we were still together when he graduated, he'd give me a ring
and believe me,i am thankful that didn't happen.
I knew i didn't want to spend my life with him
or be engaged when i was 20.

its just difficult and weird seeing a new friend get engaged every week it seems.
i have so much i want to do still.
i wanna move to LA or New York and start my career
and meet new people
and i'm not saying i couldn't do that if i was engaged
but it just seems so far away from me.
i'm too difficult
too hard
too ridiculous
for anyone to want to make that commitment with.

sometimes, i honestly can't see myself ever getting married.
i want to.
but i'd mess everything up.
get scared and unsure
and probably break their heart in the process
as well as mine.

i don't know. it all just kinda makes me panic a bit.
i know i'm still so young
but this is the time in my life where i should be looking for someone long-term
and hope to God they feel the same way.

who knows. 
i sure don't.

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