always a bridesmaid, never a bride?

i just found out

3 of my friends from growing up are engaged.

They're all 21 and under.

A girl i was friends with in high school got married last weekend

and another girl i was friends with is expecting a baby in the winter.

ahhhhhhhhh

i mean, of course i'm happy for them.

i have no reason not to be

but i just turn 21 yesterday

and i feel like getting engaged or having a baby is light years away.

My sister, Kira has been engaged for like.. 3 years now and is talking about kids.

My parents were married when they were 23.

I don't know.

I mean... that could have been me.

TJ told me if we were still together when he graduated, he'd give me a ring

and believe me,i am thankful that didn't happen.

I knew i didn't want to spend my life with him

or be engaged when i was 20.

its just difficult and weird seeing a new friend get engaged every week it seems.

i have so much i want to do still.

i wanna move to LA or New York and start my career

and meet new people

and i'm not saying i couldn't do that if i was engaged

but it just seems so far away from me.

i'm too difficult

too hard

too ridiculous

for anyone to want to make that commitment with.

sometimes, i honestly can't see myself ever getting married.

i want to.

but i'd mess everything up.

get scared and unsure

and probably break their heart in the process

as well as mine.

i don't know. it all just kinda makes me panic a bit.

i know i'm still so young

but this is the time in my life where i should be looking for someone long-term

and hope to God they feel the same way.

who knows. 

i sure don't.