Doubt.

lately, i've been thinking a lot about doubt.

when you're sick, you get a lot of free time to just think

and i have been.

sometimes, i stop and question major things in my life.

am i happy?

am i just doing something for someone else's benefit?

do i really belong where i am?

and all these questions seem to overflow even more when events from my past suddenly resurface again.

in some ways, i feel very lucky to have gone through unfortunate mishaps.

but lately, those feelings of uncertainty have started to come back

and i wonder if those old insecurities are starting to bleed through new circumstances.

I mean

i've already hit rock bottom.

i've already had my heart broken so badly, i never thought i could put myself back together.

but i did.

so the fear of being there again isn't prevalent anymore.

i've been there and i made it out.

nothing could ever be as bad as that

so why should i have any fear?

in some ways i don't.

if it happens, i will accept it and move on in a healthier manner.

i guess, the core of my resurfaced insecurities stem from a fear

of not being abandoned by someone i love

but not being good enough for them to stay.

i realize how ridiculous that sounds.

i have a problem beating myself up about everything

and whenever someone has vacated my life

i think it was because i wasn't what they wanted.

i wasn't someone worth sticking around for.

and it all goes back to one thing

doubt.

i doubt myself.

more than i realize sometimes.

and its not that i sit around self-pitying

its more like a " I'm probably better off alone" type deal.

and that, is something that does bother me.

because i know deep down, i don't want to be left alone.

although this all comes out at a really interesting time in my life

i think i'm slowly learning

that my fear of abandonment

paralleled with this idea of doubt

has never really had anything to do with anyone else but myself.

these thoughts come from me

from how i see events happen

and when you're blinded by fears

you can't grasp the reality of what's really going on

even when its happening right in front of you.

i don't know what will make these things go away for good.

time.

experiences.

maturity.

maybe even just love.

whatever it is,

i'm sure it will finally put a lockdown

on all these crazy discomforts

i've seemed to be carrying around for all these years.

And finally bring out the self-assured version of myself

that I'll be proud to share with someone.

and i don't doubt that.