Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dear Mother....

a week ago, i went to the doctors and my mother insisted that she went with me. i reluctantly agreed. when the doctor finally came in after awhile, we started discussing my symptoms and why i felt like the medicine he'd had me on for the last year was... oh how can i say this nicely... complete and utter shit.  Mid-conversation, my mom chimed in and ask " I've had the same problems. Everything she is saying is how i feel too. Isn't that weird that we have similar problems with it? i mean, how is that possible?" And my doctor's reply was, " Well, she is technically half your DNA, Mrs. Mussey" 

Duh, right?

My mom and i both looked at each other confused. I seriously think it was the first time in either of our lives that we realized... we are genetically connected. 

Now that sounds like we're both raging idiots, but it's not the obvious factor of me being her daughter and her being my mother that was overlooked. Its just the fact that my mother and i have absolutely nothing in common... minus our noses. We don't look a thing alike. Growing up, no one believed she was my mom. She is short and petite with blonde hair and a light complexion. I am tall and athletic with dark hair and a tan complexion. Our personalities are momentously different as well. We're not in to the same type of activities, we don't dress alike, and we certainly don't find common ground in our life goals. 

Basically, if i was on a game show where you had to guess which woman was my mother in a room filled with 50 ladies... she would most likely be the last person you'd choose.

This whole thing leads up this realization i've been whipping up in my head since my dumbass excuse for a medical physician pointed out the obvious: Has my relationship with my mother always been disagreeable because we never actually realized that we are flesh and blood related? 

I don't know.

My mother and I have always been just, constant people in each other's lives. The bond there has never really been existent. Even recently watching old home videos of my family growing up, i noticed the distance her and i have always had. We didn't hug. We didn't really even talk. We were just figures. I see images of Keenan sitting on her lap while we played a board game... his fingers entwined in her hair while she'd peck kisses on his cheek that he'd wipe away. Or her and Kyla holding hands down the street while we rode our bikes up ahead. Or even the way she treats Kullen now. She will stay up until midnight after working all day just to stand in line for an hour to make sure he gets the video game he's been wanting for a month. 

I'm not saying my mother treats me differently or loves me less... i just think, we've never the type of bond a mother and a daughter should have.

And i'm positive this is just as much my fault as well.

i don't know where i was going with this. I just needed to get it out. Why my mother and i arent close, and never have been. Will that ever change? Is it too late to really help anything? Do i even want that kind of bond?

i just don't know.

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