Saturday, August 9, 2008

completely random, stream of consciousness, babble upon babbling thoughts.

its getting easier, much easier.
but thats because i've found reliable distractions.
i dreamt of you last night
its the only part i remember from waking up multiple times
[noises, voices, sunlight]
you wrapped your arms around me tightly
like you weren't going to let go
even though i was sitting completely still.
i could let that circulate in my mind forever
it would never get old or hurt too much.
i cried the morning you left
and the night before when you were packing.
i thought i could hold it back but of course i didnt't.
i'm so happy for you
for where you're going
and all the people who will get to meet and know you.
i should have been crying out of happiness for them
and you
but i wasn't.
those were selfish tears
the ones that refuse to let anyone else near you.
i should know better.
i trust you.
i should anyway.
you've given me no reason not to.
although your unstable feelings do make me nervous.
its hard to let go of something so fragile.
will i ever feel this way about anyone else?
do i even want to?
i know the answer to that.
and i choose not to say it out loud
because if i do... then it's real and alive.
i thought if it came down to it
i'd leave
i'd leave this place, these people, this future
because holding onto this was much more important.
but i can have both.
if i trust you
if i let you go
if i let all my fears disappear into the air.
its so simple
and the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.

i want it.
i'm so strong, more than you give me credit for.
my only fear in the entire situation
is that you don't.
is that the last month has broken us down so harshly
that it's impossible to fix what has already been made.

i can be without you.
i can live and be happy without you in my life.
but i don't want to.
i choose to be with you
to know i can be independent and free and ultimately, alone
but i'd choose to spend my days with you
for you
for us.

i guess i'll take my chances.

No comments: