Monday, January 4, 2010

Honestly, honesty?

Honesty ( or lack thereof) has been a big factor on my mind lately.
And for many in-depth reasons i don't care to go into.
But looking back on myself in past relationships
and others as well
i've come to realize a few things.

Most importantly, I think honesty starts with yourself.
Just in the last few months can i full-heartedly say
that i've shed all personas except for Kate.
The real Kate.
The only "Kate" there actually is in me.
In the past, i've definitely taken on qualities that weren't really who i am
to better suit the person i was with.
Lame? Yes, i agree... but i think it happens more often than not.
Sometimes, i think we're terrified of the person we actually are
so instead, we act accordingly to the person other people THINK we are-
or unfortunately, the person they want us to be.

I know, in my heart, that i am not a good cook.
I will never ever be a good cook.
I also know that i am not graceful.
I will never go a day without spilling, tripping or knocking something/someone over.
That is me.
That is the raw Kate.
And, i don't see any need to try and cover that up anymore.
I embrace who i am for exactly what i am.

And i think.... unless you truly have a sense of who you are
and who you are not
you cannot seriously commit or share yourself with another person.

Love is perhaps the strongest force on the planet
and it CAN change a person
for the better....
or for the worse.
And because i don't think in any of my past relationships, with one exception-
i can honestly say i was exactly the person i am.
No apologies.
(Take it or leave it, bud.)

It's hard.
In fact, it took me 22 years to actually be able to realize this...

I don't have to change anything about myself for someone to love me.

I don't have to pretend to like or be anything but what I know is truthful.
Who i am around one person shouldn't change when I'm around another
and i should never
makes excuses for myself to better suit someone else's perception of me.

It sounds pretty simple, but it's not.
I think it's why so many people end up in relationships that are stressful
and unnatural
and end up in ruins...

because they are not based in any sense of truth
because people cannot accept, love and embrace themselves
exactly the way they are.
Nothing more, nothing less.

I've always said I've wanted someone to like me for who i am -
i've probably restated that fact on here a gazillion times
but honestly,
I wasn't even doing that.
So how could i ever expect anyone else to?

I guess now is the true test then.
Can someone love the actual, real, no facades, no excuses, no cover-ups Kate when she finally decided to love herself?

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