Friday, November 20, 2009

Lost and Found.

I've learned (especially recently) that sometimes, even when everything is said and done - apologies exchanged; open endings sewn up; explanations for every miniscule detail mapped out - you still will never feel peace with some situations.

Maybe i'm just a naturally restless person though, who knows.

After months and months of confusion, heartache, feelings of complete normalcy and then complete insanity, I finally got my apology. All I wanted was for the entire messy situation to be faced head on - no more flowery words, no more excuses - just plain old honesty. And I got it.

And I still feel... uneasy.

I don't want to go back. I'm not hurt by that person anymore and often look at the situation as a very, very rough, but needed lesson in life. I'm grateful for it. However " glass half full" that might sound. What makes me uneasy about it... is that although it is over and closure was definitely present... why I still feel so beat up about it. Not an " I miss them and they hurt me so badly" kind of beat up, because honestly, although i unfortunately was hurt by the situation, i do not place any blame nor hatred on them at all - it has nothing to do with the person but everything to do with the situation.

I feel like i got the shit kicked out of heart. Like i was personally thrown into a pit where someone repeatedly punched me in the chest over and over and over again. And although I am okay and made it out more than just alive but better than before, the pain from it still lingers. And i often find myself grabbing my ribs and forcing myself to breathe. In and out. One breath at a time. Until, i don't have to remind myself anymore.

I don't know when or if this will go away. I think i just need lots of time, lots of patience and lots of love to remind me how great it really can be. It's hard, but i've made it this far and I won't go back.

breathe in, Kate.

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