" Deeds are love... not sweet words"

lately

i've caught myself

stopping

in the middle of whatever i'm doing

closing my eyes

and saying quietly to myself

" You're okay. You'll be fine. Keep going..."

Some circumstances are hard to accept.

Some are harder to even understand let alone accept.

But

I have to keep going.

I can't stay locked up in my room

or in myself

trying to hide from everyone all the time.

I have this amazing ability

to shut myself off.

To go into my "autopilot" mode and remain there for a long time.

Right now

I feel like i'm going in and out depending on the day.

It's hard.

I'm keeping it together the best i can though.

Hope is such a dangerous concept.

It feels like

the only thing holding me down

and keeping me alive everyday.

I cannot worry though.

This isn't my ship to steer.

And even if remembering that

involves me constantly stopping myself

and reassuring

" I'm okay. I'll be fine. Keep going..."

Then i guess that is exactly what it will take.

I'm not surrendering.