Vicodin.

you know how you can just look at someone and know they are special? i love finding people like that. I'll sit and watch someone for a long time... all the subtle things they do... the way they write, the way they listen, the way they think before they say something. Those things really add up to me. I like pretending i can hear their inner dialogue. Sometimes, i think i actually can. I can instantly tell the difference between a person that is aware and a person that is just present for the moment. I remember watching this guy once in class... he brought coffee and a muffin with him to the lecture and i was waiting for him to take a bite the entire time, but he never did. He always looked like he had so much on his mind but never really said anything. And when he did, it would be so carefully constructed it was like magic every time he talked. Everyone anticipated when he raised his hand to speak. He was probably my favorite person to watch.  So elegant in his mannerisms.... so pure. In all honestly, I'd only spoken to him twice, if that. Sometimes i think thats my problem though... i only let my curiosity for someone go so far. I'm afraid of breaking the illusion of who i think they are. I'm scared of being disappointed.... or maybe.... i'm scared of being swept away. 

Once, i was sitting at a coffee shop by myself reading and i had this idea to place my free hand facing upward on the arm of the couch. It wasn't in a stiff, awkward-looking position, but rather i made it look careless and natural. I thought to myself, " The person who sees my hand open and puts their own hand in mine is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with." Needless to say, no one noticed. Sometimes I still think that silly idea will work and often intentionally place it in that same position in random places at random times. The thing about that though... is i never expect anyone to notice. I anticipate closing my book up 40 minutes later, returning my mug to the front and leaving knowing my soulmate was not in the coffee shop that night.  I don't know what would happen if someone did take my hand. I would probably just stare at them. Not in shock or awe.... but in curiosity. 

My whole life i thought my own thoughts were insane. But now, i think i might be the only sane person in existence. It's always been easier to think of myself as crazy though. It helps explains why i feel so isolated from people. I wonder if my communication problems stem from the fact most of what i want to say can't be verbalized. I don't know how to tell someone that i'm fascinated by them because they went an entire 2 hour lecture without taking a single bite of a delicious looking muffin. Or that my heart would practically melt if they placed a single hand inside my mine while i was preoccupied with reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the 76th time. Things like that can't be said or describe because i don't think the words to do so have been invented yet.  but it's not vocabulary, it's a feeling. It's like looking at someone and knowing that they are special and that your entire life is going to change since they walked into the room.

I don't know what motivates me most of the time. I like to think it's love but that might be too big of a concept for me to fully use as a reason. Right now, the only answer i have to anything is that there are no answers. I'm going to continue to find beauty in the subtle things and occasionally open up my hand and wait for someone to grab it. And if they ever do.... i sure hope i'm ready.