stop. what is that noise? air conditioner? no. rain. it is just rain. oh wow, that sound is beautiful. i should open my eyes and look. no. don't open. stay. stay right where you are. fuck. now i'm never going to get back asleep. okay, don't panic. don't think. stay where you are. if you hurry up maybe you'll fall right back asleep. breathe. yes, one more time. good. i'm uncomfortable, turn on your other side. ahh, light. no, its okay. you can open your eyes. god, it looks so beautiful. i wish he was here right now to see this. no. no no no no no no. stop it. close your eyes, stupid. now you have to turn again. do not face the window or the light. and you might as well try to ignore the sound. now look, you've gone and ruined it. no more sounds. no more thinking.  just breathe. yes, one more time. concentrate on the black.  it is good. stay in the black. don't think of him. he is not there. he is not here. no more. thats all you're allowed. now breathe. stay in the black... the black is safe. soon you'll be back asleep and it won't hurt. yes... shhhhh. yes, thats it.