From my personal journal...

August 7th 2008

"Non-reality was black, and it didn't hurt so much. Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time."

Thats interesting.... probably just for me and for a number of reasons...

1. Red has always been my favorite color. And every time someone asks me why.. i can't for the life of me explain it. Red is associated with 2 things: Love and Violence...interestingly enough, pretty opposite ideas and feelings. Red can be considered passionate, romantic, seductive..."roses are red", etc. And then, it can be connected to pain, to evil... to blood. The more i think about it, they seem almost one in the same. Love is pain and pain can bring love... or be for love.

2. The exhibit at the Mattress Factory in Pittsburgh. It was a dark room with a narrow passage way.. you walk out on a plank in the pitch black and all you can see is a red light in a doorway. Water and light sound surround you. And you just stand there.. staring at this red lighted doorway. Kyla thought it was beautiful.. her favorite piece. I, however, thought it was horrifying. It reminded me of a nightmare... maybe one i already had... but if i could personify a nightmare.. that piece of art would be dead on. The red looked serene to Kyla but violent and scary to me... i half expected the entire room to fill with water and to drown staring at a red light in the distance.

3. The quote... red being "reality". Truth is good...truth is right.. but like it says, it fucking hurts. It burns... its like being burnt sometimes. And then there is black... dreams are black.. mine are anyway...they aren't real and they don't hurt. Being in black makes me feel numb... sleeping has always made me feel numb... i'm not in control of my thoughts when i'm asleep....sometimes, thats a nice escape.

4. I always gravitate toward the color black... wardrobe, in other people, in things i have and own. Its comforting. I love anything dark. Always have. And.. " it doesn't hurt as much". That can be taken so many ways. When you can't see whats ahead of you, you don't expect anything but what you're given. And that.. is always enough.

ugh... i dunno where i'm going with any of this. It just made sense in my head. Red and black. I swear, i only see in those two colors... in all their meaning...even if its so contradicting.

my thoughts are always so jumbled. It feels good to just let them out though... to be a genius to myself only and have everything i think make perfect and irrevocable sense. I don't think i'd ever want someone to understand everything i say or think... it would be terribly annoying.