well, here we go again...

somehow i always manage to seriously trick myself into thinking good things happen and have the potential of sticking around.

good try, Kate. Admirable, really.

My life is an experiment in FAILURE.

Proof i am the clumsiest, most unlucky, retarded woman in the history of mankind. This is only a small glimpse too. My knee, thigh, and ankle are bruised even worse. I FAIL AT LIFE!




Today my lovely sister and i went for a bike ride.

It was extremely crowded because of the unusually nice Ohio weather.

The path we bike on is by a small river and there were turtles sunbathing on stray branches in the water.

I decided to let my inner 5 year old out and started singing (no lie):

" TURRRRRTLES! TURRRRRTLES!

BIG AND SMALLL!

TUUURRRRTLES! TUURRRTLES!

WE LOVE THEM ALL!"

we were both laughing

and then come up to a large bridge where most people stop and look at the turtles swimming in the stilled water.

we're going at a hefty pace and there are maybe 15+ people standing around.

I start singing again

and then look down at the water and THINK i see a turtle

so i get excited

and the next thing i know

BAM!

I smash into the side rail

hit the bike roughly against the side

loose control

am thrown from the bike

hit the hard wooden planks

roll once

and ram into the other side of the rail

all in 2.5 seconds.

I get up instantly in embarrassment

and pick up my bike while my sister turns back around to help.

EVERYONE saw.

I wiped out and ate fucking cement

and every single person on the bridge saw.

No way i could hide this one.

I completely wrecked the bike

which happened to be my dad's

( yeah, he's pissed)

and now the entire left side of my body

is black and blue.

FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!

Seriously, i thought i'd grow out of this whole clumsy thing

about 20 years ago.

I need camera crews-

so i can at least bank off the fact my life is an experiment in failure.

Ugh, my body hurts.

i need to stop being such a clumsy idiot.

this is getting ridiculous.

[good] bye.

Baby, the truth of it all was you just didn't deserve me.

leave. please just leave.

it's an unsettling feeling to have

when i want you to forget i ever existed

in your life

and you in mine

yet i'm constantly having to remind myself

it was real.

it feels so much like a daydream

a very long

very hurtful

very consuming daydream

that i still cannot wake up from.

why is pain rooted so deeply?

Find My Way Back Home.

The villain or the hero?

sometimes i need help remembering why i love something.

that seems kind of crazy

but i doubt myself and deny why i'm drawn to certain things in life.

i have this battle going on inside of me right now

where i drift in and out of remembering.

Reality is what you call it, i guess.

And I want to live in this dream more than i want to face reality.

I can't choose.

Deep down, I know i'm meant for it.

I've always felt it... even though i spend the better portion of my days convincing myself i'm not.

I don't exactly know what is keeping me away.

Fear, maybe?

And i use fear as a tactic to build on excuses why I'm still in Ohio...

still holding onto a degree i like to refer to as a "hobby" whenever provoked.

I have literally poked fun at myself without even knowing if it was necessary.

It's like this fucked up defense mechanism

that i've perfected to the point where it's so believable i can fool everyone around me-

and myself.

I don't know where to begin though.

I look around and all i see are options but for some reason i can't move.

I'm waiting for something to happen

but i'm so sensitive that even the thought of something bad or good scares me to death.

I don't know where i am...

I do what i have to do.

I have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go.

coffee is the devil.

i can't sleep because of the ridiculous amount of coffee i consumed today.
(damn you, Circle K!)
so i'm going to just type out my thoughts instead.


It takes me a really long time to get over certain circumstances.
i have this thing about over-analyzing everything...
and it gets me in a heap of trouble.
I feel like i'm constantly over-explaining myself.
Instead of just being humble enough to SHOW who i am IN TIME
i have to shove it down everyone's throat
until they choke and run away at a very hefty pace.
This sucks.
a lot.
Plus, it takes so much for me to actually start to trust someone
and usually by the time i make the decision to maybe give it a try
that person already has one foot out the door.
It's very frustrating.

i am so painfully difficult.


i must be the biggest headache to some people.
or was the biggest headache, i should say.
I'm just seriously tired of people bailing on me.
Waiting until i finally knock down all my stupid defenses
like sarcasm and cynicism and giving black eyes,
and then the second i make the decision to stop "pulling a Kate",
quit the tough girl act,
ditch the stubborn attitude
and open up by saying everything all at once because i cannot for the life of me filter my thoughts
they fucking sprint clear in the opposite direction.

i don't get it.
i don't really want to.
it just seriously confuses me to no end.
i will never figure out why i make people run away
time and time and time again.
no matter how much i think i finally got it right,
and found someone who isn't gonna let me down
even when they relentlessly reassure me they won't
they do.

every. single. time.

(and no i'm not exaggerating for pity points. truth.)


ugh.
it's tiring.
i am tired of opening up
and having the door slammed right back in my face.
i will cut a bitch, i swear.
no...
that is false i won't.
i will continue to ponder my existence on this stupid blog
until someone real is stupid enough to actually listen to me whine.



okay i'm done.
never drinking coffee again....

Always trying what you can...

...to be a child and not a man.

getting there.

I'm not always sure

of the woman i am.

But i am sure

of the woman i want to be.

And i hope,

one day those will collide.

I'm not always sure

of the man i want.

But i am sure

of the man i know he'll be.

And i hope,

one day we will collide.

~ Love and respect women. Look to her not only for comfort, but for strength and inspiration and the doubling of your intellectual and moral powers. Blot out from your mind any idea of superiority; you have none. ~

fuuuuuuuck.

breaking...breaking...broke.

today i was looking at pictures of when i broke my heel.

when i was on crutches

and in that horrible spaceboot of a cast.

so much pain.

not just because of my broken bone...

it was just the most painful time of my entire life.

its hard for me to look at those photos.

all i remember is lying in bed and never, ever wanting to get up.

everything hurt.

i remember the first time i tried to walk after getting it cleared that i could actually try. I was standing at the entrance of my kitchen holding myself up by the counter... and i put my weak foot down on the cold floor...then i put the tiniest bit of pressure on it to attempt to walk... and the pain was so unbearable i thought my foot was going to break off into a million pieces right then and there. It was the first and only time in my life where i thought, " This is never, ever going to get any better." And then i cried.

Eventually i did overcome it

and now i can run again without much problem.

but the pain of that time in my life

is still so fragile

and fresh in my mind.

I feel like i'm still walking on paper-thin ice as it begins to crack all around me every time i take even one step forward.

sometimes i think...maybe i should just run.